A couple of moons ago, I realized my almost-addiction to knowing.
A ‘compulsion’ I shared with many folk who have anxiety, depression, panic problems and even Bipolar disorder (did you know that persistent anxious lows can often derive from ‘not knowing’…? Anything really: why something is or isn’t happening, the outcome to a problem, how someone feels about you, what the future holds; even the reason behind someone saying “I want to see you in my office FIRST THING Monday morning” without giving a purpose for the summons – and more!)
Generally speaking, in the behavioural makeup of people who carry the above mental health issues, the instinctive reaction to ‘not knowing’, or the unknown, is to catastrophise. To often involuntarily dream up the worst-case scenario possible, as a ‘solution’ to the uncertainty on one hand; on the other – to try to predict an answer to the not known (to fix on some sort of ‘certainty’ which is generally negative in origin) to mitigate the uncertainty of NOT knowing). Anything to KNOW!
And this almost automatic reaction, which feels so natural, can cause really pernicious, debilitating fixations, anxiety and even panic – or depression – if the instincts aren’t caught or recognized and modified, and the resulting feelings not worked through and processed.
The other and quite interesting aspect to intrinsic ‘not knowing’ defences, can be to try to be in the know far too much. And boy, does the subconscious love to play with this one!
I have often wondered why I (me personally) will be the first to spot anything out of the ordinary, say, on the property I live on. Why I hear the water running down a gutter from someone’s burst geyser at 3am and go to investigate. Why I spot someone’s front door left open after they’ve gone to work and there’s no one else on the premises. Why I spot paint dripping from a rusty carport roof onto the cars beneath (mine being one of them) before anyone else sees the splodges on theirs. I reckon because I want to be in the know! And so I am. I’ve created this as a ‘thing’ and now, I end up being responsible for people and their property because I can’t not tell them. Hmmm. This is not clever!
I have worked through these types of issues with many a client – and myself – because I truly honour the concept that what you teach needs to have been addressed in yourself; and what a beautiful means of healing it is, to recognise that in others which you’ve carried or worked on in yourself!
BUT, as they say, “familiarity breeds contempt”; and though in no way do I have contempt for myself, I get ‘twingey’ and almost disappointed in myself when I am aware of repeating (thinking, feeling, acting on etc.) old stuff that I have worked on! Because, you see, the body is a creature of habit, and it’s so easy to go back to what you know. But, I guess we need to learn to be forgiving of that. And realise that just by being AWARE of, or catching ourselves in the act of, is half the battle won.
Let me share some relevant advice related to this ‘knowing problem’ with you, just for interest… (and I myself am listening!)
Step 1: I know when it happens to me now, I actually start laughing and feel quite relieved that I’ve caught myself doing it again, because I’ve become AWARE. It’s conscious now. And the more I practice the new and ‘better’, the more my body will adapt. And it does you know. I’ve proved this to myself and clients time and again. It takes a little effort but it is so possible. Try a little tenderness and keep practicing. When you get to the part in which you embody something different, it feels so good!
So, once you start understanding your deep-seated behavioural patterning (and this would be the type of thing you uncover in session with your therapist) and attempt to change it – try not to punish yourself every time you catch yourself doing the same old thing. The body’s natural instinct is to revert to what it’s known (pardon the pun!) for so long. Calling yourself stupid or thinking “WHY did I do that again??” or feeling overly guilty does nothing for you except create anxiety. It’s so worth remembering that you have umpteen chances to self-correct, and gently.
Step 2: regarding the not knowing catastrophizing: catch it; be conscious about the catastrophe your mind was planning for you in lieu of knowing. Ask yourself WHY you like the negative so much?? Is it drama, feeling validated, punishing someone or yourself? Etc. And then simply CREATE the most positive alternative answer, solution or outcome you can imagine and ‘fixate’ on that for a while, to teach your body to start adapting its habitual response. And it will. Give it time. Be gentle.
Regarding the ‘I HAVE to be in the know’ thing: maybe alter it to be in the know about things that really concern YOU. So that you don’t take on stuff for others which is not your responsibility. That can be a life lesson which is worth learning.
But there’s a lovely counterbalance to this knowing ‘problem’ which is representative of a concept I adhere to so much in my work: ‘equal and opposite’ baby!
Here’s the example based on the content in this article: that if I need to be in the know, but transformed to the positive – is it not going to help me the therapist and innovator dig deep? To ‘know’ solutions to problems, find deep understanding of issues, of personalities, of behaviours, of patterning and more? If I am not desiring to be in the know, how will I find new solutions to age-old problems and dare to be innovative? Food for thought.
And funnily enough, I think the desire to be in the know (far too much!) has also made me into who I’ve become today. I use it for good. And catch myself when it’s not.
Everything we are, even if we don’t like it, can be transformed into what we want for ourselves because that too is IN us already.
But the art of awareness and change is found not in punishing ourselves when we get it wrong, but in noting the ‘wrong’ and then allowing ourselves to gently find the ‘right’. In our own way and in our own time. Apologising if we need to, even to ourselves, but sighing that sigh of relief that we caught ourselves, which means we’re aware. Consciously aware!
Keep going and never stop trying…
